For many years, I’ve seen myself as healthy and happy-go-lucky and never associated myself with ‘disease’. I’ve watched friends and family members around me suffer with pneumonia, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes – all, in my opinion, well-known and well-researched health issues.
In January of this year, I experienced my first migraine, and it went like this…
- Up to 24 hours of feeling confused, tingly all over, sensitive to everything around me (light, sound, voices, even my own inner thoughts)
- For about 24 hours, a full-on headache on the left side of my head occurs, to the point where my eye feels like it’s going to explode and I can’t see out of it - and feeling incredibly anxious all the while (how do I express what I’m feeling to those around me?)
- After a few OTC painkillers later, my headache’s intensity decreases but it’s still there… and I feel sick
- For the next 24 hours, I feel detached from my environment, very lonely and my speech starts slurring as my words can’t come out properly
- After about a day or two, the headache decreases but then comes the aftermath – a day of a the ‘migraine hangover’ consisting of extreme fatigue, sadness, confusion and anxiety
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| Blurred vision... |
I went to my GP shortly after and I was told it was 'just a headache'. ‘You’ve recently changed jobs, so you’re bound to be stressed’, declared the doctor who had never seen me before. I repeatedly expressed that ‘I’m not stressed’ (which ironically actually made me a bit stressed) but their answer was the same. I left the surgery undiagnosed and deflated.
After having a couple more episodes, once a month around the same time, I made a connection to my menstrual cycle. ‘I’ve cracked it!’, I thought. I went for blood tests to test my hormone levels, but they came back ‘normal’. Then, I started getting migraine attacks more sporadically and less predictably, sometimes two or three times a month.
I went to the GP to report the developments – a different doctor this time. ‘Ah, yes. They are migraines’, as if this was meant to comfort me. I was then given some strong medication to take as and when I feel the headache phase (as above) and suggested I take Vitamin B2 supplements. I got a migraine shortly after this appointment, popped one of the new pills and the symptoms diminished. I got a migraine the following week and, again, took a pill. This time, I experienced serious side effects, rendering me unable to drive, concentrate and speak coherently. I felt so vulnerable.
Yesterday, mid-migraine attack in the headache phase, I mustered the energy to call my GP. The receptionist said, almost robotically, that the next available appointment would be next month. As I was about to sigh and just accept whatever I could get, however, she said there had been a cancellation tomorrow (i.e. today) and that I could have it. The childish surprise in my voice made her giggle. I decided to carry on with my daily activities, which was a battle but I did it.
I’m slowly learning to let go of my ego and accept that I have migraines. I realise that in the past I've seen illness (in whatever form) as a sign of weakness. But now I'm experiencing it myself, the amount of strength you realise you have is incredible.
I guess this is my way of raising awareness and understanding as I begin this journey of discovery. I have an invisible condition, which renders me lonely and physically weak. Nevertheless, as a practising Nichiren Buddhist, I spend time morning and evening chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo (plus studying beautiful Buddhist philosophy and attending plenty of heartwarming Buddhist meetings) to become spiritually strong. This is what is getting me through.
As I've heard many, many times, and I'm starting to understand deeply:
'Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is like the roar of a lion. What sickness can therefore be an obstacle?' - Nichiren Daishonin
